Howdy! I'm Slash Firestorm, and this post is all about me! HANG ON TIGHT, BITCHES.

Once upon a time, a friend of mine sent me a link to an interesting little game (Al Quaidamon, if you're interested, by Mr. Fulp himself) on an interesting website. I loved Newgrounds from the start, and forged my account all the way back in 2003...but, like many Newgrounders, I remained ignorant of the complete majesty of the site for quite some time. It wasn't until 2005 that I discovered the Portal -- AND MY DESTINY.

B/P'ing -- the divine art of blamming and protecting flashes submitted to the site. Democracy in action, but even more importantly, it was an adventure. Yes, most submissions were shit -- stick figures or poorly-made Madness rip-offs or broken games -- but a good chunk were good, and a rare handful were absolutely amazing. Sometimes you'd find a game that would occupy you for hours...and sometimes you'd find a malicious little shit that tried to shut down your computer and you'd get to use that erotic whistle (you just put your lips together and...blow). It was like a box of chocolates -- you never knew what you were gonna get, but it was usually tolerable, often delicious, and the razor blades few and far between.

I joined the Elite Guard Barracks, a group dedicated to fair voting and stopping rulebreaking submissions, and shot up the B/P ranks, going from Police Captain to Supreme Commander in less than a year. I wept, having no badges left to conquer, and settled into a more defensive role with the EGB, including becoming its leader for a period of time. We fought the bastards of Newgrounds and blood spilled onto the sand in our glorious clashes!

But there's more to my Newgrounds history than a commitment to justice. I was also an agent of chaos!

Spam is often considered to be universally bad. Poor graphics are often seen as demanding a blam. But such close-mindedness is unappealing to me. To become a complete and wise Newgrounder, you must embrace...a larger view of quality. To me, a flash that is funny, or even one that is only funny because of how stuffy people react to it, can be just as deserving of a high score as the masterpieces of art and action that normally command them. When the Barney Bunch came onto Newgrounds, I submitted multiple pieces -- Secret Episodes -- sometimes under this account, often under my long-lost alt account. They were often blammed, but some lived on, and their insanity and hilarity lives on, as well. Even today, I occasionally make more Secret Episodes to remember every spammer who ever had a dream -- a dream so batshit insane that it couldn't be ignored! And I shoot the sky in their honor with a cannon that fires penises!

But there is a fine line between funny spam and going too far...it is a dangerously slippery slope that leads from protecting the humorous stuff and voting simply to get "sure" protect points. Too many stat-whores spoiled the Portal -- in the golden era, more than half (and often more than two-thirds) of submissions were blammed, and rightly so. Nowadays? Unfunny trash passes easily. Newgrounds chose this situation -- through their votes, it is the Portal they asked for, and the Portal they deserve. If you are disgusted by crap passing solely due to greed and big names, then don't despair -- vote your heart! So what if you miss a point? The quality of Newgrounds is what truly matters, and if you cannot transcend your desire for mere stats, then you deserve nothing better. I realized that and ascended to the ultimate level of awareness -- I saw the truth of all stats.

To combat the stat-whorage that was loosed upon Newgrounds...to atone for my own past sins...and to break the dangerously tight grip that stats had upon me...I rejected my own power, asking the God of Justice, Wade, to destroy my long and powerful B/P career. I was reborn as a mere Scout, the bottom of the B/P rankings, and with that I WAS FREED.

Will I return, this time reaching Supreme Commander without a single vote cast in greed? Only time will tell. Real life is vicious, and my whims are fickle, but if there's one thing that these long years have taught me...it's that I will always return.

Nowadays, I am almost completely retired...the demon known as "real life" got its claws in me, spreading its vile poison. But I am not dead, and if there's ever an invasion of rulebreaking flash when I'm around, I'll be there with my mighty sword and whistle...TO BLOW. Beware, ye abusive reviews and stolen material! Tremble, ye guilty! Rejoice, ye innocent! The swords of justice are not yet dull! Should I fall, there are others with blades of their own -- and you can join them! If you have any questions about Newgrounds, if you wish to consult my ancient wisdom, or if you wish to see why I am also known as the "Erotic Messiah", then just send me a private message!

Fear not -- I do not bite.

...unless you want me to. ;-)

...no, not really, I'm not into that, but I'll fuck you until you can't walk straight. ;-D

******

Now for some facts about me!

I was born in New Brunswick, Canada, during a snowstorm on December 19, 1985. Although I did not stay there for long, I would love to take a pilgrimage to the motherland someday. I spent the first ten years of my life in Fort Myers, Florida, and the rest of my life has been spent in Pensacola, Florida. I'm not fond of the south, but I've yet to attain sufficient means to escape it.

I'm average height with dark brown hair and grey/green eyes. I considered my eyes green for most of my life, but I recently discovered that they actually look a hell of a lot closer to grey under strong light. Weird, I know. But grey eyes are pretty cool, so whatever. I wear glasses and desperately need to do so; my eyesight without them is atrocious.

I wear clothing with lots of pockets because it's always good to be able to carry a lot of stuff. I am in love with my beautiful, sexy storm-grey jacket and wear it from...well, October to damn near May, lol.

My relationship status is...a little complicated, heh. I suppose I'm single, technically, although my heart is definitely claimed by someone in real life. On the internet I am the Erotic Messiah, however, and I'm open to casual damn-near-anything, lol.

I am a bisexual. A common misconception about bisexuals is that their preferences are 50/50, but that's very rarely the case. Myself, I'm more romantically attracted towards females. I've yet to have romantic feelings for a guy, only physical ones, but I suppose it's possible.

I am an atheist, and I suppose a rather strong one. Like most atheists, I do not deny that a god COULD exist, but as there is no positive evidence of any deity whatsoever, considering the existence of one is as reasonable as considering that the characters from Tiny Toons could be hiding under your bed with rape on their minds...in other words, insanity. Religion is always foolish, usually intrusive, often hateful, and occasionally violent; as such, religion has no place in a rational, civilized world.

I am a liberal, but not on every issue. Rather than cling to party affiliations and the talking points of talking heads, I make my decisions based on information and logic. I almost always vote Democratic, but I'll vote for a Republican in the alternative sucks and the Republican doesn't have any insta-fail conditions (like being against gay rights). The Democratic Party is often too cowardly to pursue their goals, but the Republican Party is so ingrained with religious radicals, anti-intellectualism, and blatant discrimination that I'd never, ever consider myself a Republican. Pretty much the only Republican ideals I agree with are denying welfare to drug addicts and killing people who need killing (like child molesters and rapists; I don't mean using lies to declare wars on countries, although sometimes countries DO need an ass-whupping to keep them in line...I just don't trust the modern Republican Party to know when that's appropriate). If you wish to ask me about an issue, feel free, but I'm not fond of arguing politics as it's so stressful; I'll simply explain my position and why I hold it. I change my positions if evidence contradicts my previous assertions, but my beliefs regarding things like equality and the importance of conservation are absolute.

Favorite foods: Steak (rare), seafood, strawberries. I'm not picky and I'll try anything once.
Favorite colors: Light blue, red on a black background (never gave ME no headaches).
Favorite music: Rock (Bon Jovi, Whitesnake, Kiss, Johnny Lima, Nightwish)
Favorite film genres: Horror, action, romance
Favorite literary genres: Horror, adventure, fantasy, romance, erotica

As a student of natural science, I am a fierce environmentalist who finds wasteful and selfish people to be fucking idiots. However, I am an avid consumer of meat and find people like PETA and the ALF to be fucking idiots, as well. I am not strictly against violent measures against certain polluters, but those freaks aren't intelligent enough to know when it's appropriate. I also despise the whiny environmentalists, like those guys who go out on boats to harass whaling ships by throwing butter and shit at them -- yeah, like THAT'S going to stop them.

I love swimming, but I hate swimming in the ocean. Fuck the ocean.

Like a cat, I love climbing trees and sitting in the upper branches. Like a cat, I'm not nearly as fond of coming back down.

I love taking off my glasses and running around in the rain, especially when it's windy and thundering. I'm a great lover of meteorology and I have no fear of storms -- on the contrary, a powerful storm (or any weather phenomenon) fills me with excitement and wonder. On that note, I love hurricanes (even when they fuck my stuff up) and tornadoes.

I like dogs and I love cats. I currently have two dogs -- a huge golden retriever named Marley and a mostly-chihuahua rescue puppy named Lucky (for the record, I didn't name either of them). My first cat, Midnite (yes, that's how it was spelled), and my first two dogs, Koko (ditto) and Shadow, have since moved on to other lines of work (being dead). I love them all and will never forget them.

I am an aquarium enthusiast, although I am not currently operating one.

I love pretty much all animals...except for scurrying bugs. Slower bugs, like mantises, are fine.

I never went through an emo phase and I find such melodrama to be both annoying and pathetic. Moping has never solved anything -- if you're going to be something, be ANGRY, because at least that gets shit done. On that note, I don't have a Myspace anymore, and I don't intend to use Facebook, Twitter, Google+, or any of that other crap. All I have is an old Livejournal that I barely use and a Dreamwidth account that I've yet to use because I don't know anyone there, lol.

I've had male friends, but the vast majority of my friends (and all of my IRL ones) are female. Girls just make for better conversation, lol.

I'm not a furry, but furries tend to congregate around me. It doesn't really bother me, and considering my writing (Pokemon fanfiction), I shouldn't be surprised, lol.

I am not a computer nerd, despite what some people think. I only seem knowledgeable about computers because my family and most of my friends are relatively computer-illiterate, whereas I am not. I know nothing of hacking, programming, or repairing/building computers. If you need someone to tell you how to use a malware scanner or where to shove AOL, though, I can lend a hand.

I drink on occasion, but those occasions are quite infrequent. When I do drink, it's rarely beyond mild tipsiness.

I don't smoke and I never will -- my lungs are sensitive, and I'm not fond of horrible sickness and death. Intentionally giving yourself cancer and paying someone for the privilege has always struck me as profoundly retarded.

I've smoked marijuana once or twice, but, again, my lungs are sensitive and the payoff wasn't worth it. I won't be doing it again in the future.

I don't do any hard drugs like meth, coke, ecstasy, or any of that crap. I have absolutely no tolerance for that shit -- I've seen what hard drugs can do to people. While no demons of religion exist, there ARE demons in this world, and they come in the forms of various powders and pills. Anyone who thinks that free choice extends to hard drugs is free to take a crack vial and mix a little 1 guy 1 jar with some kids in the sandbox -- it's about as intelligent.

In short, I prefer to be a clean thinker. Remaining in control of my faculties means that I'm responsible for my actions, and I do not share the cowardice of people who turn to that shit to flee reality. Reality, no matter how duuuuude i'm so hiiiigh you are, does not change just because you don't like it. Man the fuck up and deal with it.

On that note, I have no respect for people believing in virgin births and talking snakes in the 21st century. Keep that crap to yourself unless you want a thorough debunking of your insane beliefs. Only warning.

I like reading, writing, and making my insane little flash masterpieces.

I love reading and writing fanfiction.

I'm a big fan of Let's Plays. My favorite LP'ers include MangaMinx, whose specialties include horror (on her old channel) and RPGs, and Sir Ron Lionheart, the most awesome and manly man in the world. Ron's, sadly, retired from LP's (at least, it appears so), but he has so many videos that it'll take you ages to watch them all. Ron's...unique way of speaking has greatly influenced my own vocabulary. I also enjoy ChuggaConroy, who, despite his popularity, is not the least bit overrated.

If you want to listen to some EPIC narration of horrible stories, including the fourth unreleased Twilight book, check out ManWithoutABody. He needs moar love.

HEAVY METAL.

******************

CLUB AFFILIATIONS

1. Elite Guard Barracks
I'm the former Chief Barracks Officer (among other positions) of the Elite Guard Barracks, a club made of high-ranking Newgrounders dedicated to fighting abuse and rulebreaking on the site. While I'm not currently an active member, feel free to PM me if you have any questions about the club, Newgrounds, whatever---I'm happy to help.

2. Newgrounds Police Department
As the closest ally the Barracks has, the NGPD is for Newgrounders between Security Guard and Police Captain ranks, and many NGPD alumni end up joining the Barracks at the end of their tenure. If you don't have the rank for the Barracks, check out the NGPD---they'll get you started on your quest.

3. Wrestling Club
I'm a WWE fan and have been since I was in middle school. It's a little...well, stupid, yeah, and the golden age has passed, but whatever, I can still usually enjoy myself while watching it. My favorite wrestlers are Triple H and Edge.

4. Pokemon Club
I've played Red, Blue, Yellow, Gold, Silver, Crystal, Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, Fire Red, Leaf Green, Pokemon Snap, Pokemon Stadium 1 and 2, and Pokemon Mystery Dungeon (Rescue). My favorite Pokemon include Pidgeot, Golem, Castform, and (squee) Gardevoir. I've yet to play the fourth or fifth generations due to a lack of DS/3DS.

*****

[Back to Slash's Index Page]

LEVEL 35: LEMMINGS
PASSWORD: VDTM
TIME LIMIT: 600
CHIPS REQUIRED: 10

Adventure Index

SUMMARY: Ten chips are hidden in a deadly Fireball-filled enclosure that Chip must somehow brave. The only tools at your disposal are a handful of Brown Blocks and a large body of water.

EXPERIENCE: Fireballs everywhere! There is no way to explore the fiery main chamber without protection. But that's okay---you've got some. Below the main chamber is a significant zone of water; if you can get those Fireballs into it, the chamber will become significantly less dangerous.

Go outside of the main enclave and bring in a block. You'll want the first block set to send a fuckload of Fireballs into the sea, so push it to the position shown in the image below. You'll have to be quick to set it there without being hit, so time your push carefully and then get out of the Fireballs' path. This position will force a significant number of the Fireballs to careen into the water immediately.

Grab another block and push it into the path of the remaining Fireballs, near the center horizontal axis of the chamber. This will make things a bit chaotic, but stay alert and ready to evade and many more Fireballs will end up in the water. Continue using the block to divert the last handfuls, and when most or all of the Fireballs are gone, start grabbing the chips. Once you've got them all, head to the exit in the lower left corner of the Fireball chamber---being extremely careful to avoid the last Fireball trapped between the exit and the Chip Socket---and reach your goal.

This level can be a bit tough; keep your guard up and move evasively and you'll do well.

SCORE: 542 seconds remaining, 22920 points.

TOTAL SCORE: 381400 points.

Chip went through the fires of hell in this level. If he wants to climb out, he'll need to take the Ladder.

LEVEL 34: CYPHER
PASSWORD: NQFI
TIME LIMIT: 350
CHIPS REQUIRED: 14

Adventure Index

SUMMARY: A system of Bug-patrolled strangely-shaped rooms that are rumored to hide some amazing secrets.

EXPERIENCE: The level itself isn't too hard. Each room has a chip or two, with a few rooms being patrolled by relatively harmless Bugs. So why is this level so important? Why is it specifically mentioned in the game's help files as being "the most important level for you"?

Look at the rooms. Notice anything? They're shaped like letters. You can beat this level and go on your merry way, but you can also keep track of the room shapes and come up with three passwords for other levels!

Instead of making you chart them, I'll list them here.

LLIO---Level 82, Socialist Action
HPPX---Level 137, Gold Key
JHEN---Level 146, Cake Walk

Apparently (although I have not independently confirmed this) you can only access levels 146+ by using the password found in Cypher; otherwise the game will end at level 145.

SCORE: 292 seconds remaining, 19920 points.

TOTAL SCORE: 358480 points.

I'll tuck the passwords aside for now and continue forward normally. The next level, Lemmings, awaits.

LEVEL 33: ON THE ROCKS
PASSWORD: BQSN
TIME LIMIT: NONE
CHIPS REQUIRED: 9

Adventure Index

SUMMARY: A titanic expanse of ocean with a spattering of islands. Nine chips are hidden among the reefs, but you'll have to work to get them---you start out with nothing more than three squares of floor and a block-producing Clone Machine.

EXPERIENCE: Make sure you've got a snack handy---this will take a while.

There is no time limit for this level, but that's not much comfort. You need to find nine chips hidden in this huge watery level, but there's no Flippers to help you out. You have to use the block-producing Clone Machines to essentially build the level yourself.

I advise patience and caution---one mistake, no matter how small, can send you into the water, and nothing is worse than dying after spending half an hour making land. Use the limitless time to build enough floor to give you a margin of error if, say, you slip on some ice---surround ice with floor whenever possible, and be extremely careful crossing it if you can't.

Some of the Clone Machines are damn near useless (or completely so). Ignore the ones that are in lower corners. Be extremely careful when moving blocks near Red Buttons---it's easy to make a mistake and push a block ahead of you, activating the button while you're standing where the new block will come out---you don't want to know what happens to poor Chip if that happens.

Once you've got all the chips, head toward the exit---it's in the upper right corner of the level.

Be careful and you'll be fine. I beat this level in one try because I took my time and expanded islands and paths to safe margins.

SCORE: 0 seconds remaining, 16500 points.

TOTAL SCORE: 338560 points.

After several long, tedious levels, the next challenge, Cypher, will be a welcome change.

That doesn't mean that it will be easy, though...

LEVEL 32: SCAVENGER HUNT
PASSWORD: PEFS
TIME LIMIT: 600
CHIPS REQUIRED: 3

Adventure Index

SUMMARY: A huge, twisting maze of narrow corridors that hides three well-guarded chips.

EXPERIENCE: Prepare for a headache. This level consists of a labyrinth of thin-walled passages, and it's pretty painful on the eyes in large doses.

Your goal is to find three chips hidden in the maze. Each chip is protect by a different obstacle---force floor, fire, and water---so you'll need to locate the appropriate tools as you search.

While there's no way for me to guide you through this maze (you'll need a lot of mental mapping and backtracking), I can tell you that you should head around the level in a roughly counter-clockwise manner. You should do two runs of the maze---the first run is for the tools, the second is for the chips. The Fire Boots can be found early on; the Suction Boots next; the Flippers last. With the appropriate equipment in your possession, do another 'lap' and grab the chips. The exit, at the center of the maze, is accessible from the paths near the water-protected chip.

This is a doozy, but unlike the previous level, the time limit is generous.

SCORE: 306 seconds remaining, 19060 points.

TOTAL SCORE: 322060 points.

You thought this level was a pain? Prepare yourself for a challenge that will require you to clear your day's schedule to take on. Get a drink---you'll need it---and have it On The Rocks.

LEVEL 31: KNOT
PASSWORD: RYMS
TIME LIMIT: 29
CHIPS REQUIRED: 118

Adventure Index

SUMMARY: A race against time to follow the lines and grab over a hundred chips in under half a minute.

EXPERIENCE: You gotta be fast and damn near perfect to beat this one. The following is my completion method, although it's possible (likely, even) that there's a way to do this level without having to go around any of the force floors.

Start by following the line of chips down, letting the force floor turn you around the corner. Travel in straight lines, following the force floors, until you're brought back to the start of the level, where you should turn and start on the upper path of chips.

Near the end, you'll be coming at the force floors in the wrong direction, but just quickly step around them and continue on regardless. You should end up getting the last chip near the exit.

SCORE: 4 seconds remaining, 15540 points.

TOTAL SCORE: 303000 points.

Think this one was tough? Chip's next challenge, Scavenger Hunt, will drive you fucking insane.

LEVEL 30: MISHMESH
PASSWORD: BQZP
TIME LIMIT: 600
CHIPS REQUIRED: 36

Adventure Index

SUMMARY: In this level, seeing is not believing; 36 chips are hidden in this maze of Blue Blocks.

EXPERIENCE: There's no easy way to do this, and no strategy I can give you. The maze is littered with Blue Blocks, which only reveal themselves to be real or illusionary when Chip touches them. Move as quickly as possible, bumping into every Blue Block you come across, and the maze's true structure will eventually reveal itself.

At least you're given a large time limit. Even if you make a mistake and have to backtrack, as I did, you should have plenty of time.

SCORE: 260 seconds remaining, 17600 points.

TOTAL SCORE: 287460 points.

Don't let your guard down yet. The next level will twist your mind into a Knot.

LEVEL 29: ARCTIC FLOW
PASSWORD: QGOL
TIME LIMIT: 400
CHIPS REQUIRED: 5

Adventure Index

SUMMARY: Chip must find a way across a series of small seas and icy paths to find the chips in this level. Some of the islands are guarded by Paramecia, and in such a confined space, they can be deadly.

EXPERIENCE: This level can take some patience, but once you know what you're doing, it's not that bad. Your goal is to find your way across the water and ice (and Paramecia) and obtain Flippers, which you need to get the chips and escape.

Use the blocks to cross the waterways at the beginning of the level. When you get to the island with three blocks on it, be sure to push them into the water at the highest point possible; that's the only part of the lake that's three squares across.

The next island is patrolled by a Paramecium. The enemies are tough, especially in close quarters, but you can handle it. Carefully enter the island and push the center block one square to the left (not yet into the water). The Paramecium will follow the wall and be guided into the water, where it dies.

Now use the blocks to cross the sea. The next island has another Paramecium and five blocks. Alright. Push the center block down one square, and then the lower left block down one square as well. Done right, the Paramecium will be guided into the water below.

Use the remaining blocks to cross to the next island to your left. IGNORE THE CHIPS BELOW FOR NOW---you need these blocks to cross, and there are Flippers ahead (and you'll have to pass by here on your way out, anyway).

Travel over the ice carefully. The very long ice path will guide you to the island with the Flippers. Score. Now head back, but do NOT take the ice path---the one-way force floor will just bounce you back to the Flipper island. Navigate through the water and ice and find your way back to the chip alcove, grab them, head to the Chip Socket in the upper right of the level and swim to the left-hand exit. Presto!

SCORE: 279 seconds remaining, 17290 points.

TOTAL SCORE: 269860 points.

The water-filling technique in this level is only a precursor of a much, much harder level to come. But before Chip faces that challenge, he'll have to find his way through the MishMesh maze.

LEVEL 28: PING PONG
PASSWORD: UJDO
TIME LIMIT: 300
CHIPS REQUIRED: 22

Adventure Index

SUMMARY: A water and ice striped level patrolled by bouncing Balls.

EXPERIENCE: This level is easy compared to the past few. You start out outside of the main level, which is blocked by Blue Blocks. Hit the force floor and wait until you're on the top segment, and then hold the down key---the fake block is the very last one before the corner. Be careful when you step off the floor, though; you don't want to get creamed by the Balls before you actually begin.

Once in the main room, start collecting chips. Check both sides of a tier for chips, being careful to avoid Balls, especially when crossing the tunnels through the 'column' axis. Use the blocks on the uppermost left tier to cross the water.

The exit is in the column at the topmost tier. As long as you're careful, this level is easy as pie.

SCORE: 211 seconds remaining, 16110 points.

TOTAL SCORE: 252570 points.

Playtime is over. The next level, Arctic Flow, is sure to be a chilling example of just how hard this game can be.

LEVEL 27: GO WITH THE FLOW
PASSWORD: IGGZ
TIME LIMIT: 200
CHIPS REQUIRED: 6

Adventure Index

SUMMARY: Tanks and force floors and flippers, oh my!

EXPERIENCE: Just take it one step at a time and you'll be fine.

First up, head to the Brown Blocks to the left and start filling in the water below them. Be careful---you need all four blocks to cross, so don't get any of them in a unrecoverable position. Once you have the Flippers, head back to the level's starting point and grab the Fire Boots from behind the Tank. Be lightning fast---there's no margin for error.

Take the Force Floor down, holding the left key, and you should step off into the Recessed Floor hall. Go past the first recessed floor, go down the waterway to grab the chip, then pass through the other floor to be brought back to the start of the level again.

Take the force floor again, holding left once you pass the now blocked-off hall to step off in the "island" with the Blue Button. Ignore it, step on it, it doesn't matter (although stepping on it sometimes fucks up the tanks, making it easier to reach the Chip Socket), just grab the chip and get back on the force floor, obtain the chip in the next "island", and KEEP MOVING DAMMIT.

Your next stop is a series of three small alcoves, one with some fire. No problem. Use your reflexes (and holding down the left key again) to get all three chips in one pass. Then take the force floor back to the start and slip past the upper Tank to reach the exit.

As long as you've got some good reflexes, this level isn't that hard.

SCORE: 138 seconds remaining, 14880 points.

TOTAL SCORE: 236460 points.

Chip went with the flow and grabbed victory. In the next level, he'll show us his amazing Ping Pong trick. O_O