Howdy! I'm Slash Firestorm, and this post is all about me! HANG ON TIGHT, BITCHES.

Once upon a time, a friend of mine sent me a link to an interesting little game (Al Quaidamon, if you're interested, by Mr. Fulp himself) on an interesting website. I loved Newgrounds from the start, and forged my account all the way back in 2003...but, like many Newgrounders, I remained ignorant of the complete majesty of the site for quite some time. It wasn't until 2005 that I discovered the Portal -- AND MY DESTINY.

B/P'ing -- the divine art of blamming and protecting flashes submitted to the site. Democracy in action, but even more importantly, it was an adventure. Yes, most submissions were shit -- stick figures or poorly-made Madness rip-offs or broken games -- but a good chunk were good, and a rare handful were absolutely amazing. Sometimes you'd find a game that would occupy you for hours...and sometimes you'd find a malicious little shit that tried to shut down your computer and you'd get to use that erotic whistle (you just put your lips together and...blow). It was like a box of chocolates -- you never knew what you were gonna get, but it was usually tolerable, often delicious, and the razor blades few and far between.

I joined the Elite Guard Barracks, a group dedicated to fair voting and stopping rulebreaking submissions, and shot up the B/P ranks, going from Police Captain to Supreme Commander in less than a year. I wept, having no badges left to conquer, and settled into a more defensive role with the EGB, including becoming its leader for a period of time. We fought the bastards of Newgrounds and blood spilled onto the sand in our glorious clashes!

But there's more to my Newgrounds history than a commitment to justice. I was also an agent of chaos!

Spam is often considered to be universally bad. Poor graphics are often seen as demanding a blam. But such close-mindedness is unappealing to me. To become a complete and wise Newgrounder, you must embrace...a larger view of quality. To me, a flash that is funny, or even one that is only funny because of how stuffy people react to it, can be just as deserving of a high score as the masterpieces of art and action that normally command them. When the Barney Bunch came onto Newgrounds, I submitted multiple pieces -- Secret Episodes -- sometimes under this account, often under my long-lost alt account. They were often blammed, but some lived on, and their insanity and hilarity lives on, as well. Even today, I occasionally make more Secret Episodes to remember every spammer who ever had a dream -- a dream so batshit insane that it couldn't be ignored! And I shoot the sky in their honor with a cannon that fires penises!

But there is a fine line between funny spam and going too far...it is a dangerously slippery slope that leads from protecting the humorous stuff and voting simply to get "sure" protect points. Too many stat-whores spoiled the Portal -- in the golden era, more than half (and often more than two-thirds) of submissions were blammed, and rightly so. Nowadays? Unfunny trash passes easily. Newgrounds chose this situation -- through their votes, it is the Portal they asked for, and the Portal they deserve. If you are disgusted by crap passing solely due to greed and big names, then don't despair -- vote your heart! So what if you miss a point? The quality of Newgrounds is what truly matters, and if you cannot transcend your desire for mere stats, then you deserve nothing better. I realized that and ascended to the ultimate level of awareness -- I saw the truth of all stats.

To combat the stat-whorage that was loosed upon Newgrounds...to atone for my own past sins...and to break the dangerously tight grip that stats had upon me...I rejected my own power, asking the God of Justice, Wade, to destroy my long and powerful B/P career. I was reborn as a mere Scout, the bottom of the B/P rankings, and with that I WAS FREED.

Will I return, this time reaching Supreme Commander without a single vote cast in greed? Only time will tell. Real life is vicious, and my whims are fickle, but if there's one thing that these long years have taught me...it's that I will always return.

Nowadays, I am almost completely retired...the demon known as "real life" got its claws in me, spreading its vile poison. But I am not dead, and if there's ever an invasion of rulebreaking flash when I'm around, I'll be there with my mighty sword and whistle...TO BLOW. Beware, ye abusive reviews and stolen material! Tremble, ye guilty! Rejoice, ye innocent! The swords of justice are not yet dull! Should I fall, there are others with blades of their own -- and you can join them! If you have any questions about Newgrounds, if you wish to consult my ancient wisdom, or if you wish to see why I am also known as the "Erotic Messiah", then just send me a private message!

Fear not -- I do not bite.

...unless you want me to. ;-)

...no, not really, I'm not into that, but I'll fuck you until you can't walk straight. ;-D

******

Now for some facts about me!

I was born in New Brunswick, Canada, during a snowstorm on December 19, 1985. Although I did not stay there for long, I would love to take a pilgrimage to the motherland someday. I spent the first ten years of my life in Fort Myers, Florida, and the rest of my life has been spent in Pensacola, Florida. I'm not fond of the south, but I've yet to attain sufficient means to escape it.

I'm average height with dark brown hair and grey/green eyes. I considered my eyes green for most of my life, but I recently discovered that they actually look a hell of a lot closer to grey under strong light. Weird, I know. But grey eyes are pretty cool, so whatever. I wear glasses and desperately need to do so; my eyesight without them is atrocious.

I wear clothing with lots of pockets because it's always good to be able to carry a lot of stuff. I am in love with my beautiful, sexy storm-grey jacket and wear it from...well, October to damn near May, lol.

My relationship status is...a little complicated, heh. I suppose I'm single, technically, although my heart is definitely claimed by someone in real life. On the internet I am the Erotic Messiah, however, and I'm open to casual damn-near-anything, lol.

I am a bisexual. A common misconception about bisexuals is that their preferences are 50/50, but that's very rarely the case. Myself, I'm more romantically attracted towards females. I've yet to have romantic feelings for a guy, only physical ones, but I suppose it's possible.

I am an atheist, and I suppose a rather strong one. Like most atheists, I do not deny that a god COULD exist, but as there is no positive evidence of any deity whatsoever, considering the existence of one is as reasonable as considering that the characters from Tiny Toons could be hiding under your bed with rape on their minds...in other words, insanity. Religion is always foolish, usually intrusive, often hateful, and occasionally violent; as such, religion has no place in a rational, civilized world.

I am a liberal, but not on every issue. Rather than cling to party affiliations and the talking points of talking heads, I make my decisions based on information and logic. I almost always vote Democratic, but I'll vote for a Republican in the alternative sucks and the Republican doesn't have any insta-fail conditions (like being against gay rights). The Democratic Party is often too cowardly to pursue their goals, but the Republican Party is so ingrained with religious radicals, anti-intellectualism, and blatant discrimination that I'd never, ever consider myself a Republican. Pretty much the only Republican ideals I agree with are denying welfare to drug addicts and killing people who need killing (like child molesters and rapists; I don't mean using lies to declare wars on countries, although sometimes countries DO need an ass-whupping to keep them in line...I just don't trust the modern Republican Party to know when that's appropriate). If you wish to ask me about an issue, feel free, but I'm not fond of arguing politics as it's so stressful; I'll simply explain my position and why I hold it. I change my positions if evidence contradicts my previous assertions, but my beliefs regarding things like equality and the importance of conservation are absolute.

Favorite foods: Steak (rare), seafood, strawberries. I'm not picky and I'll try anything once.
Favorite colors: Light blue, red on a black background (never gave ME no headaches).
Favorite music: Rock (Bon Jovi, Whitesnake, Kiss, Johnny Lima, Nightwish)
Favorite film genres: Horror, action, romance
Favorite literary genres: Horror, adventure, fantasy, romance, erotica

As a student of natural science, I am a fierce environmentalist who finds wasteful and selfish people to be fucking idiots. However, I am an avid consumer of meat and find people like PETA and the ALF to be fucking idiots, as well. I am not strictly against violent measures against certain polluters, but those freaks aren't intelligent enough to know when it's appropriate. I also despise the whiny environmentalists, like those guys who go out on boats to harass whaling ships by throwing butter and shit at them -- yeah, like THAT'S going to stop them.

I love swimming, but I hate swimming in the ocean. Fuck the ocean.

Like a cat, I love climbing trees and sitting in the upper branches. Like a cat, I'm not nearly as fond of coming back down.

I love taking off my glasses and running around in the rain, especially when it's windy and thundering. I'm a great lover of meteorology and I have no fear of storms -- on the contrary, a powerful storm (or any weather phenomenon) fills me with excitement and wonder. On that note, I love hurricanes (even when they fuck my stuff up) and tornadoes.

I like dogs and I love cats. I currently have two dogs -- a huge golden retriever named Marley and a mostly-chihuahua rescue puppy named Lucky (for the record, I didn't name either of them). My first cat, Midnite (yes, that's how it was spelled), and my first two dogs, Koko (ditto) and Shadow, have since moved on to other lines of work (being dead). I love them all and will never forget them.

I am an aquarium enthusiast, although I am not currently operating one.

I love pretty much all animals...except for scurrying bugs. Slower bugs, like mantises, are fine.

I never went through an emo phase and I find such melodrama to be both annoying and pathetic. Moping has never solved anything -- if you're going to be something, be ANGRY, because at least that gets shit done. On that note, I don't have a Myspace anymore, and I don't intend to use Facebook, Twitter, Google+, or any of that other crap. All I have is an old Livejournal that I barely use and a Dreamwidth account that I've yet to use because I don't know anyone there, lol.

I've had male friends, but the vast majority of my friends (and all of my IRL ones) are female. Girls just make for better conversation, lol.

I'm not a furry, but furries tend to congregate around me. It doesn't really bother me, and considering my writing (Pokemon fanfiction), I shouldn't be surprised, lol.

I am not a computer nerd, despite what some people think. I only seem knowledgeable about computers because my family and most of my friends are relatively computer-illiterate, whereas I am not. I know nothing of hacking, programming, or repairing/building computers. If you need someone to tell you how to use a malware scanner or where to shove AOL, though, I can lend a hand.

I drink on occasion, but those occasions are quite infrequent. When I do drink, it's rarely beyond mild tipsiness.

I don't smoke and I never will -- my lungs are sensitive, and I'm not fond of horrible sickness and death. Intentionally giving yourself cancer and paying someone for the privilege has always struck me as profoundly retarded.

I've smoked marijuana once or twice, but, again, my lungs are sensitive and the payoff wasn't worth it. I won't be doing it again in the future.

I don't do any hard drugs like meth, coke, ecstasy, or any of that crap. I have absolutely no tolerance for that shit -- I've seen what hard drugs can do to people. While no demons of religion exist, there ARE demons in this world, and they come in the forms of various powders and pills. Anyone who thinks that free choice extends to hard drugs is free to take a crack vial and mix a little 1 guy 1 jar with some kids in the sandbox -- it's about as intelligent.

In short, I prefer to be a clean thinker. Remaining in control of my faculties means that I'm responsible for my actions, and I do not share the cowardice of people who turn to that shit to flee reality. Reality, no matter how duuuuude i'm so hiiiigh you are, does not change just because you don't like it. Man the fuck up and deal with it.

On that note, I have no respect for people believing in virgin births and talking snakes in the 21st century. Keep that crap to yourself unless you want a thorough debunking of your insane beliefs. Only warning.

I like reading, writing, and making my insane little flash masterpieces.

I love reading and writing fanfiction.

I'm a big fan of Let's Plays. My favorite LP'ers include MangaMinx, whose specialties include horror (on her old channel) and RPGs, and Sir Ron Lionheart, the most awesome and manly man in the world. Ron's, sadly, retired from LP's (at least, it appears so), but he has so many videos that it'll take you ages to watch them all. Ron's...unique way of speaking has greatly influenced my own vocabulary. I also enjoy ChuggaConroy, who, despite his popularity, is not the least bit overrated.

If you want to listen to some EPIC narration of horrible stories, including the fourth unreleased Twilight book, check out ManWithoutABody. He needs moar love.

HEAVY METAL.

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CLUB AFFILIATIONS

1. Elite Guard Barracks
I'm the former Chief Barracks Officer (among other positions) of the Elite Guard Barracks, a club made of high-ranking Newgrounders dedicated to fighting abuse and rulebreaking on the site. While I'm not currently an active member, feel free to PM me if you have any questions about the club, Newgrounds, whatever---I'm happy to help.

2. Newgrounds Police Department
As the closest ally the Barracks has, the NGPD is for Newgrounders between Security Guard and Police Captain ranks, and many NGPD alumni end up joining the Barracks at the end of their tenure. If you don't have the rank for the Barracks, check out the NGPD---they'll get you started on your quest.

3. Wrestling Club
I'm a WWE fan and have been since I was in middle school. It's a little...well, stupid, yeah, and the golden age has passed, but whatever, I can still usually enjoy myself while watching it. My favorite wrestlers are Triple H and Edge.

4. Pokemon Club
I've played Red, Blue, Yellow, Gold, Silver, Crystal, Ruby, Sapphire, Emerald, Fire Red, Leaf Green, Pokemon Snap, Pokemon Stadium 1 and 2, and Pokemon Mystery Dungeon (Rescue). My favorite Pokemon include Pidgeot, Golem, Castform, and (squee) Gardevoir. I've yet to play the fourth or fifth generations due to a lack of DS/3DS.

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