Newgrounds.com — Everything, By Everyone.

This is the Firestorm Federation headquarters! I'm Slash Firestorm---if you don't know who I am, check my Index Page for information on my flashes, literary works, and Newgrounds activity!

The Firestorm Federation, which is a half-serious/half-bullshit organization, has many services available for the Newgrounds public, ranging from the serious to the silly. To apply for any service, simply comment here (preferred) or PM me.

*****

1. NEWGROUNDS TRAINING
Are you a Newgrounds newbie? Want to learn how the site works, become popular, and start getting a shinier whistle and a more bad-ass badge? Well, don't worry---I can help you out.

I can teach you the basics of the site, help you learn how to make intelligent posts and helpful reviews, teach you some of the basics of Flash, and guide you into the world of whistling and blamming/protecting. In time, you can be an amiable, knowledgeable, and helpful user, possibly pursuing membership in the NGPD or Elite Guard Barracks.

*****

2. SUPPRESSIVE DETECTION
There are two kinds of Newgrounders that I don't like: rulebreakers and assholes.

As a member of the Elite Guard Barracks, it is my duty to compile data on rulebreakers who submit stolen flashes, fileswap post-judgment, use alts to bypass the two-upload-per-day limit, and other such asshaberdashery. Feel free to report any suspected cases of rulebreaking to me (use PM if you want to remain anonymous) and I'll look into it.

THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU PESTER ME WITH A THOUSAND "LIEK THE KITTY KREW ARE SPAMMING ASSHOLES!" MESSAGES. You report RULEBREAKING activity, not 'spam', which is highly subjective and rarely breaks any rules.

To deal with assholes, we have the...

*****

3. COURT SYSTEM
One of the reasons I've been around here for so long is because I'm a friendly, lovable guy. I don't start shit with anyone, and I help out Newgrounds by reaching out to members, old and new, and fight against dickery on the site. So it really rattles my cage when I see someone being a prick and flaming people. Thus, I have established a court system that will deal with identifying, convicting, and listing such dipshits.

The court does NOT deal with BBS spam; if you're being spammed in a club or something, contact one of the online mods. The court deals with people who are fucking with you on your userpage and through PM's.

The court operates as follows.

STEP ONE---IDENTIFICATION AND JUSTIFICATION
To report a troublesome user, simply comment in this Federation post. Provide a link to the user in question, along with details on what they've done. Be specific, and don't waste my time with little stuff. I will consider the claims and level charges against the accused if necessary.

Note: frivolous and patently false claims may result in the reporter being sanctioned themselves. In severe cases of wrongdoing, summary judgment may be made against the accused.

STEP TWO---TRIAL
I contact the accused and detail the claim. If they wish to argue against the claim, they may do so. I shall make a news post for the trial and preside over the argument between the claimant party and the defendant, allowing both sides to present their claims. Both parties should refrain from contacting each other outside the case.

STEP THREE---JUDGMENT
After the trial, I will determine the guilt or innocence of the defendant. If found guilty, I will sentence them. Possible punishments include, but are not limited to: e-sanctions, seizure of cool points, reduction of e-penis (and, in extreme cases, removal), and Thetan exteriorization.

A list will be made of all convictions. While most punishments are limited to Internet Guilty stuff, cases involving extreme harassment (ie, physical threats) or rulebreaking will be reported to Wade.

*****

4. AUDITING
Do you feel lost? Disturbed? Angry? Well that's because you're pre-clear, dumbass! Feel free to request an auditing session and advance up the TRUE PATH to happiness!

The procedure consists of me asking you questions in an auditing session and guiding you through your experiences. We don't have an E-meter (can't afford one), but the E-Internet is just as good. It's too difficult to explain the whole process---you have to live it to understand it. Request a session today!

Warning---being audited by an inexperienced practitioner may result in loss of money, wasted time, belief that you're an intergalactic walrus, and agitated body thetans.

*****

5. KILLING XENU (Operating Thetan Levels)

We must all become super-powerful MEST beings and defeat the evil overlord Xenu before he comes back for revenge against all the minds that the great L. Ron Hubbard freed through the wonderful tech of Scientology. I'm OT VIII---how about you?

THIS IS NOT A JOKE. I'M TOTALLY SERIOUS AND WOULD NEVER SUPPORT ANY ACTIONS AGAINST THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY

INCIDENT II---NEVAR FORGET :'(

*****

6. SEXUAL CONGRESS
The best kind of Congress.

*****

7. SEXUAL SENATE
The best kind of Senate.

**************************

The following lists are accurate as of 24 April 2008.

**************************

***CONVICTIONS (DEGRADED BEINGS)***
The following users have been ruled failures, either by trial or divine edict.

1. Bladefury---Convicted for Faggotry of the Third Degree for wanton and unprovoked PM spam of respected NG user SlashFirestorm.

***************************

***ARREST WARRANTS (SUPPRESSIVES)***
The following have been accused of wrongdoing. If you are on this list, you may surrender yourself to the Firestorm Federation and receive a trial, where you may be convicted or exonerated. Those who refuse to appear will be tried in absentia.

1. Xenu---Recently escaped from prison. Wanted dead or alive for kidnapping, mass-murder, and brainwashing of at least several billion Galactic Federation citizens. To be considered armed with hydrogen bombs and electric ribbons and very dangerous.

**************************

***ON NOTICE (POTENTIAL TROUBLE SOURCES)***
The following are at risk of being labeled Suppressive.

1. L. Ron Rubbard---Come on, you dead fuck, release OT IX already. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO STOP XENU WITHOUT BEING OT IX!?

2. walterwagner---Despite numerous warnings and attempts at advising, this user refuses to listen to the reasoning of long-time Newgrounders and has started an anti-betty group (lol) with the intention of pestering the busy administrators of Newgrounds with shit THEY CAN HANDLE THEMSELVES BY JUST DELETING AND BLOCKING. Further failure may result in charges of Admin Harassment and Disorderly Conduct.

***************************

***AWESOME LIST***
The following are AWESOME. PM me if you have any AWESOME nominations!

TheGimpsta! Despite having a serious, possibly fatal (most likely fatal) case of cancer, he is still kicking ass and taking names, showing more balls than the rest of Newgrounds put together. Whenever you're in a tough spot, keep this guy's iron will in mind; takes quite a bit of cojones to be calm in the face of such darkness.

****************************

IMPORTANT SLASH-RELATED EVENTS

NOTHING LOL

*****

[Back to Slash's Index Page]